I get to share Seney with Lea. The last time I was here, my heart was splitting into pieces over the looming break up with my guy. It’s been some weeks since then, and though he and I fell back into each other’s arms more times than we should have, with the best of intentions, it doesn’t last. We, or at least I, had hoped to come out of the love relationship with a friendship, caring about each other, but at the end we were just kind of limping along, loving each other, but not really supporting or lifting each other. Ultimately it ends in anger as anyone could have predicted. So I finally let him go.
Letting go of relationships is not something I’ve ever had trouble with. I have let so many people go for so many reasons, never easily, but always with certainty. Sometimes I had just outgrown them, sometimes they had begun to choose a path that wasn’t in alignment with my beliefs, and sometimes I let people go out of fear (I have historically had abandonment issues so I sent people away before they could leave me). I’m at an emotional point in my life and a geographically situated place physically where I have very few people who I consider true friends. In fact, I’m down to two truly long-term good old steadfast friends, both of whom live hundreds of miles from me, and one close friend in my little town.
I believe I need to move (physically) to a region where I have more in common with folks but my heart desires more remote, less populated areas so there’s that. I’m focusing on what I desire, without really focusing on a particular place.
My current small town I’ve lived in for 12 years just hasn’t panned out as a true home for me. I’ve volunteered, helped start a community garden, donated web services to the local theater, and supported all the raffles and student events, but seem to have made only one connection that has lasted. I have finally come to realize basically all the good people of my town are not excluding me; they just have each other already. They don’t need a new friend. Their families have been here for generations and they have scores of cousins and extended family and in laws. They just don’t have room for another. That’s just my opinion. Perhaps another small town would be different.
I’ve long thought that I will move away once I’ve finally fallen in love with my house, this town. And that is ultimately what’s happening. I do truly love my house; the tall ceilings, the enchanted back yard. The house was such a savior for us at a very difficult time, such a risk when I cahsed in my 401k to buy it – wiping out my savings but securing us a home. The town’s charms I’m finding I hold dear now that I realize this might be my last 4th of July parade, my last Comedy Improv night, my last holiday season. I am truly enjoying my front porch, the sun coming in the windows, the sounds of the furnace kicking on when the nights grow colder, the cozy house we’ve made our home for almost a decade. But it is time to start releasing it, and the first step is for me to release it in my mind. To let it go, as something no longer in alignment with my needs or desires. Not easy, but I know with certainty that it is time.
My life is full in so many ways. I have traveled paths that have led me to a peace and acceptance I have not thought possible for many years. My people are scattered across the globe, my borrowed daughters, my small handful of close friends, and of course people with whom I am always happy to see when we do connect. And for now, I have Lea right here with me, sharing Seney. I know that this feeling, this sharing, with someone I love, in a place I love, is what fills my heart. It feels like the reason we are meant to be here.
